Who would have ever imagined that someone who identifies as a “hip hop scholar” could relate to Radiohead lyrics? “ I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doin’ here? I don’t belong here.” Lyrically, it may be out of context, but the words in a literal sense were my exact feelings on Monday morning. The imposter syndrome was real. First off, I’ve never been beat up by a time zone, but there is something about Mountain Time that my little neurodivergent brain could not grasp and it was only an hour difference.
I went into NPR’s Next Generation Radio knowing that this would be an intense week. I did not, however, anticipate how often I would feel overwhelmed, overstimulated, the amount of times I would cry.
I expected an audio component and a digital web post, very similar to what I’d worked on in the KERA newsroom and what I’d seen from previous projects. It would be a quick interview with a subject I’d been in contact with and I could just draft a story. Well, my original source wasn’t able to accommodate the interview schedule and the availability of my back up subject conflicted with Next Gen’s workshop schedule. The result: a blind interview with someone who had an interesting story, but who was completely different from my original sources. I had to start from scratch.
Then came the list of expectations for the week.
I knew I would have to become the Simone Biles of the organizational Olympics if I wanted to reach the final day with all deliverables, not only intact, but great. Internally, I know this is not a competition, and as Stephanie mentioned, “We don’t need perfection.” To which I replied, “You don’t know who I am as a person.”
Fact-checking, having to constantly text a stranger, structuring a story, meeting deadlines, having to say, “No, I don’t understand what you mean,” was the scariest thing I’ve ever done but I did it and I KNOW I’m a better journalist and audio storyteller now in spite of it.
This Next Gen came just a week before the end of my one year term in a journalism fellowship with KERA. I feel like I learned everything in one week, everything I’ve wanted to accomplish in the year I was here. My mentor Stella Chavez is the one to thank. If I’d known or thought to lean on her in the Fall of 2022, I would be the Michael Jackson of the newsroom, but for now, I’m the Beyonce, and I’m OK with that. I felt like a burden at every turn, but she was patient, and she gave incredible advice that I will NEVER forget and always apply. She brought me orange juice and breakfast because I would go eight, 10, 12 hours consuming nothing but Hot Cheetos and chamomile tea. The Next Gen project truly showed me what a healthy, thriving mentor/mentee collaboration should look like. For that, for Stella – I am truly blessed.
Thank you to Doug, who stopped me in the narrow KERA hallway to remind me about the application deadline. 10 out of 10. I was inspired by a colleague’s 2021 Next Gen project and applied just an hour before the deadline (would recommend again, with adjustments obviously).
As a Black woman with ADHD and on the autism spectrum, I often feel the need to overcompensate. Here though, I didn’t have to, because my work is enough. I can ask questions. I can be in community with folks who don’t need to know me to want me to succeed. As I move into my new chapter, my new stage in my career, I am certain that journalism and audio storytelling are where I want to be. I’m good at it, and even stronger now. I have the tools, resources, and network to further improve.